NEED TO KNOW
- Donald Trump insists Jeffrey Epstein never existed.
- Claims mass hallucination caused by 5G, windmills, and Bud Light.
- Divine memo allegedly authored by God and proofread by Jesus.
In an announcement shaking the very foundation of reality, President Donald Trump declared today that Jeffrey Epstein was nothing but a mass hallucination. Trump presented irrefutable evidence, a memo allegedly authored by God and rigorously proofread by Jesus Christ, affirming Epstein’s non-existence.
The Hallucination Conspiracy
According to Trump, Epstein was an imaginary figure conjured up by “dangerous liberal windmills,” “mind-altering 5G waves,” and “the questionable taste of Bud Light.” He confidently displayed the holy document at a press briefing, exclaiming, “This divine memo clearly states Epstein is as real as CNN’s ratings!”
MAGA Followers Ecstatic
Trump’s base reacted with relief and enthusiasm, hurriedly discarding Epstein-themed memorabilia into communal bonfires. Attorney General Pam Bondi, vigorously nodding in agreement, declared, “This explains why I never remember investigating him. It’s a miracle!”
Meanwhile, critics attempting to refute the memo were swiftly dismissed as “Epstein truthers” suffering from acute windmill syndrome. As for what’s next, Trump hinted at another revelation: “Stay tuned, because JFK Jr. is alive and he’s preparing my 2028 campaign slogans!”
Reality, it seems, is optional these days, especially when divine paperwork is involved.
Quote of the moment
Of course Epstein never existed, I’ve been saying this for years
Rudy “Totally Reliable” Giuliani
