NEED TO KNOW
- GOP leaders reject Ghislaine Maxwell’s offer to testify, citing “timing issues”
- House Oversight pivots to urgent hearings on Beyoncé’s halftime symbolism
- One Congressman says Epstein topic “feels like homework and guilt mixed together”
WASHINGTON, DC – Faced with Ghislaine Maxwell’s stunning offer to testify before Congress and name names from Epstein’s notorious circle, House Republicans have instead opted to launch a bipartisan investigation into UFO sightings, AI rap lyrics, and Taylor Swift’s “deep state frequency alignment.”
Maxwell: “I’ll talk.” GOP: “We’re good.”
Sources say Maxwell is prepared to testify under oath, but Republican leadership quickly moved to table the idea in favor of a hearing titled: “Is NASA Hiding God?” Speaker Johnson explained, “We’d love to hear what Ghislaine has to say, but we’re extremely busy asking Tim Cook why Siri is woke.”
America Asks: Are We Avoiding This?
The move has sparked confusion among conservative voters, many of whom expected action. One GOP staffer anonymously admitted, “Look, no one wants to accidentally find their name in the client list. You think C-SPAN is ready for that?!”
Meanwhile, Democrats have quietly removed themselves from the conversation, claiming they were “never into Epstein” and had “another climate thing that day.” As for Maxwell, she remains in prison, ready to spill the tea no one in power wants poured.
Quote of the moment
Everyone wants the truth, until it starts naming donors
Dan McNally, Former Ethics Committee Janitor
