NEED TO KNOW
- House Republicans demand answers about Biden’s “autopen presidency,” including whether the pen gets Secret Service protection.
- Trump insists the autopen may have signed more executive orders than any living president.
- Congressional staffers are preparing for a historic moment as the autopen prepares to testify, reportedly practicing its signature under oath.
Who Signed for America?
In a rare display of bipartisan confusion, Congress convened to determine if the autopen, widely rumored to be the real architect of Biden’s final years in office, deserves a federal pension, a portrait, or a public apology. “This is not just about signatures,” said House Oversight Chair James Comer. “It’s about accountability. And maybe, for once, a pen that actually returns our calls.”
Pension or Prosecution?
Republicans argue the autopen deserves nothing short of a government pension and a shot at running for office. Democrats suggest a statue—possibly in the Rose Garden—just to get ahead of the AI lobby. Meanwhile, Trump, still smarting over his own signature’s lack of national buzz, called the autopen “the most dangerous piece of office equipment since Hillary’s fax machine.” Insiders claim the pen’s lawyer is already negotiating for both retirement benefits and immunity from prosecution.
Capitol Hill Prepares for the Big Interview
In preparation for the autopen’s testimony, staffers delivered a special oversized notepad and an emotional support Sharpie to the witness table. C-SPAN has confirmed wall-to-wall coverage, with viewers promised “every squiggle and stutter.” The autopen is expected to provide a five-thousand-page statement—all in cursive. As one lawmaker put it, “I haven’t been this excited since the Post-It note scandal of ’92.”
The Last Signature?
With rumors swirling about a possible plea deal, the autopen remains tight-lipped, except for the occasional ballpoint leak. Legal experts say the device could be called to testify again, especially if Congress moves to restrict future pen-based decision making. For now, America waits to see if history’s most productive pen will get a gold watch, a prison sentence, or maybe just a nice spot in the Smithsonian.
Quote of the Moment
I’d like to thank the autopen for its service to the nation and apologize to all the pencils it outperformed
Rep. James Comer
