NEED TO KNOW
- Vice President JD Vance’s bizarre running form caught on video during a Disneyland visit has sparked nationwide confusion and scientific curiosity.
- Experts at the National Center for Human Locomotion have classified his gait as a “conservation-grade skip-squat,” previously undocumented in adult primates.
- While the family trip was meant to be private, biologists and political strategists alike are now studying the footage for insights into his evolutionary trajectory.
Unnatural Selection
A video of Vice President JD Vance awkwardly running through Disneyland has left the public with more questions than answers — chief among them: “Is he okay?” and “Was that a gallop or an encrypted cry for help?” The internet lit up this weekend after footage surfaced of Vance’s hunched jog, a movement that resembled a scared flamingo trying to catch a bus.
The Stride Heard ’Round the Web
The viral video, originally posted without context, was quickly verified to show Vance leaving Disneyland’s Pirates of the Caribbean exit ramp with his family. Instead of walking like a human or jogging like an athlete, Vance’s legs performed a complex, wiggling zigzag pattern experts are calling “geopolitical goose-stepping, but with uncertainty.” Biologists at UC Berkeley have already proposed naming the new phenomenon *Homo legislatus awkwardus*.
Defense, Denial, and Disney Legs
Vance’s team has yet to issue a formal statement, though insiders suggest the jog may be a form of “dad-fueled urgency” triggered by a mobile churro cart. In the meantime, Disney has updated park signage with a warning: “Caution: Vice President may spontaneously enter interpretive locomotion.” The nation waits, popcorn in hand, to see what direction his legs—and campaign—take next.
He jogs like a man who just realized his kid dropped a $900 churro receipt
Brad Thompson, Disneyland Pass holder
