NEED TO KNOW
- Trump warns Iran of more airstrikes if they “rebuild anything suspicious,” including nuclear labs or “bad vibes.”
- Iran’s top scientists respond by filing an international restraining order against Trump’s oversized sense of self.
- NATO pretends to take it seriously while quietly Googling “how to impeach a U.S. president from another country.”
Trump Promises to Strike Again — Probably with Caps Lock
While attending a NATO summit in The Hague, President Donald Trump declared that the U.S. would strike Iran again if it dared to “rebuild anything that even looks like uranium.” His casual “Sure” response to a reporter’s question prompted applause from war-hardened boomers and gasps from diplomats pretending to like him over lunch.
Science Files for Protection
Iran’s leading nuclear physicists filed what they’re calling a “scientific restraining order” against what they describe as “Donald Trump’s highly radioactive ego.” The document, submitted to The International Atomic Energy Agency, cites “unprovoked aerial tantrums,” “chronic missile envy,” and “irrational hostility toward anything with math.”
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Global Leaders Nod, Smile, and Panic
NATO Secretary-General Mark Rutte awkwardly praised Trump’s “strength and peace,” while visibly texting under the table. Meanwhile, Spain quietly refused to increase defense spending, noting that their last missile shipment turned out to be a box of churros with warning labels.
Next Stop: Mar-a-War?
According to unnamed aides, Trump is currently planning his next campaign stop somewhere between Tehran and a Cheesecake Factory. “Nobody respects nuclear science more than me,” Trump told reporters. “I even passed chemistry once. Huge achievement.”
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Quote of the Moment
We don’t want war, we just want to work. But this man’s ego needs to be on a no-fly list.
Dr. Reza Mehranfar, Iranian Nuclear Physicist
