NEED TO KNOW
- Zohran Mamdani, a 33-year-old democratic socialist and Muslim, wins NYC’s Democratic mayoral primary.
- Right-wing commentators panic, confusing 2025 with 2001 and Mamdani with all 19 hijackers.
- Cuomo concedes, Republicans melt down, and the Statue of Liberty covers her face out of sheer secondhand embarrassment.
Statue of Liberty Cancels Freedom, Wears Niqab
Across America, conservative pundits temporarily forgot how calendars work after Zohran Mamdani, a Muslim democratic socialist, dominated New York City’s Democratic mayoral primary. Within minutes, memes began flying, Fox News anchors lost signal mid-segment, and a clearly photoshopped image of the Statue of Liberty in a niqab made its way into Facebook groups last updated in 2016.
Freedom Isn’t Free, Unless You’re Brown
“This is how it starts,” warned one cable guest, citing 9/11 like a broken smoke alarm in a microwave popcorn factory. Mamdani’s crime? Advocating for rent freezes and free public transit. “That’s what they want you to believe,” said a man angrily DMing Wikipedia with the word ‘Caliphate.’
From Cuomo to Kaaba
Former Governor Andrew Cuomo, still damp from the spray tan of his failed comeback, gracefully conceded. “The city wants someone younger, bolder, and with fewer nursing home secrets,” Cuomo said. “I can only promise thrust— I mean trust.”
New York Shrugs, Orders Halal
While national headlines screamed ‘Sharia,’ actual New Yorkers responded with typical composure. “If the guy lowers my rent and gets me to work without a $2.90 donation to the MTA struggle fund, I’ll vote for him twice,” said one Queens resident, chewing a halal lamb gyro.
Quote of the Moment
If he freezes my rent and gives me a bus pass, he can call it the Caliphate Express
Tony DiBenedetto, Staten Island barber
