NEED TO KNOW
- Trump spotted with giant novelty scissors, claimed Epstein Island “needed a fresh coat of patriotism.”
- Administration denies rumors of disappearance, says President was merely “creating opportunities” offshore.
- Critics note “youth jobs program” has yet to post a single opening outside of pool boy and towel attendant.
A Presidential Disappearance, Explained
Concerns mounted over the weekend when President Donald Trump vanished from public view, with critics suggesting his health was failing. The White House quickly clarified the situation, insisting Trump was not missing but simply occupied cutting the ceremonial ribbon at the grand opening of the “Trump Youth Jobs Program” on Epstein Island. According to staff, the President wanted to show America’s young people that “sometimes your first job should be in international waters.”
Jobs Program or Vacation Resort?
The program reportedly offers “apprenticeships” in cabana management, frozen drink mixing, and “resort-level patriotism training.” Flyers obtained by reporters list opportunities such as “Assistant Jet Ski Security” and “Beachfront Wall Tester.” Administration officials claimed the event had been in the works for months, though critics noted the ribbon was tied to Epstein’s old massage cabana.
Optics and Outrage
While Trump’s allies praised the initiative as “private sector ingenuity meeting youth empowerment,” others questioned whether sending high schoolers to a tropical island with no labor laws was the best way to celebrate Labor Day. “It’s one thing to intern in Washington, it’s another thing to be assigned to mop the ‘Freedom Jacuzzi,’” said one bewildered observer.
JD Vance Volunteers to Supervise
Vice President JD Vance assured the public that he would personally oversee the jobs program to ensure it had “absolutely no weirdness at all,” before boarding a helicopter with Kid Rock and several Red, White & Blue Yeti coolers. The White House, meanwhile, released photos of Trump beaming with a ribbon-cutting blade, flanked by tiki torches and a “Mission Accomplished” banner.
It’s not child labor, it’s child liberty
Pam Bondi, Trump Administration
