NEED TO KNOW
- Idaho does not house a secret Qatari base. It houses potatoes and confusion.
- Laura Loomer found the biggest spud in town and declared it sovereign U.S. soil.
- The Pentagon says the rumor is false. Loomer says her chain is “Article I.”
Laura Loomer held a high-security press conference in a Boise parking lot on Friday. Her podium was a folding chair. Her backdrop was the city’s most strategic resource: a twelve-foot fiberglass potato. She accused the Pentagon of handing Idaho to Qatar by noon. Local officials responded with a shrug and a link to a map.
According to Loomer, the Defense Department plans to “airlift Doha” onto an empty field near a strip mall. Reporters noted that the story began as a viral post that cited “my gut” as a source. The Pentagon repeated that no foreign military base exists in Idaho. They also asked if anyone knew who brought the bolt cutters.
Operation Tuber Shield
Loomer arrived in a blazer, aviators, and a chain from the patriotic aisle of a hardware store. She wrapped herself to the statue and announced the launch of Operation Tuber Shield. A man in a cowboy hat asked if he could still buy curly fries. She said yes, but only with a passport.
Guy Fieri appeared in a prerecorded message about an unrelated tequila heist. Nevertheless, Loomer played it on loop and called it “evidence of supply-chain infiltration.” Bystanders agreed the soundtrack was catchy. Meanwhile, a confused tourist posed for pictures with what she thought was the new interactive exhibit.
Facts Report to Duty
State officials reminded residents that the National Guard already trains with many partners inside the United States. None of those partners are claimed by a giant potato. Still, Loomer warned that Idaho could soon be home to “sharia curds.” A nurse from Nampa asked if that came gluten free.
Because the rumor would not die, the Pentagon opened a hotline. The recording says: press one if you saw a base, press two if it was actually a warehouse, press three if it was a potato. The system crashed after receiving only threes.
Cease-Spud Talks Collapse
Negotiations between Loomer and the Parks Department broke down over her demand to grant the statue dual citizenship. She then promised to escalate to phase two. Phase two turned out to be yelling “sovereignty” while live-streaming from a picnic table. The stream ended when the phone overheated in the sun.
In the end, the only foreign influence discovered in Idaho was a hummus truck at the farmers market. It sold out fast. The statue remained. The chain came off after Loomer remembered she had the key the whole time. Peace returned to Boise, which was never at war.
If a potato can be a base, every salad is NATO.
Col. Cris P. Tato, North American Starch Command
