NEED TO KNOW
- The CDC has issued new heatwave guidance: “Stop Being Poor,” urging people to buy shade and chilled indoor environments
- A Florida Man filed a class-action lawsuit against the sun, claiming “intentional emotional combustion”
- Sun reportedly declined to appear in court, citing 4.6 billion years of diplomatic immunity
As record-breaking heat scorches the nation, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has unveiled a new public health campaign with a simple message: “Stop Being Poor.” The initiative includes brochures advising Americans to “consider indoor yacht ownership” and “avoid walking on asphalt unless you’re a lizard or Jeff Bezos.” Critics called it “tone-deaf,” but the CDC insists it’s “not their job to air condition your attitude.”
Meanwhile, in Florida, Tampa resident Travis Gribble has filed a class-action lawsuit against the sun. His handwritten complaint accuses the solar body of “blistering psychological abuse” and “unwanted tanning.” Legal experts agree the case is doomed but admit the phrase “reckless celestial harassment” does sound sort of actionable.
NASA responded by advising people to “drink water” and “maybe don’t sue stars,” while Governor Ron DeSantis offered tax credits for any Floridian who can outrun a heat index over 115. As temperatures rise, the CDC has doubled down with a second wave of messaging: “If You’re Hot, That’s Between You and God.”
It’s getting so bad that Arizona has begun hiring scorpions as part-time misting system technicians.
Quote of the moment
If the sun thinks it can just barge in every morning and microwave my lawn chair, it has another thing coming
Travis Gribble, Plaintiff v. Sun
