NEED TO KNOW
- Deputy FBI Director Dan Bongino reportedly challenged Attorney General Pam Bondi to a formal duel over the handling of Epstein’s missing jail footage.
- The standoff allegedly occurred at 6:45 AM in a government parking lot behind a Golden Corral.
- Neither participant was injured, though one aide claimed Bongino’s tie clip was “fatally grazed.”
Bullet Points and Bureaucracy
In a scene ripped from a John Wayne fever dream, sources confirm that tensions between Deputy FBI Director Dan Bongino and Attorney General Pam Bondi boiled over into a ceremonial pistol duel at dawn. The dispute? A missing minute of surveillance video from Jeffrey Epstein’s jail cell, which Bongino insists “wasn’t his problem” while Bondi reportedly replied, “It is now.”
Old School Justice, Modern Petty
Witnesses say the two officials paced ten steps behind a Washington, D.C. Wawa before turning to fire antique dueling pistols loaded with metaphor and sarcasm. No shots struck flesh, but one round did irreparably damage Bongino’s Fitbit. Bondi then announced, “This settles nothing,” and immediately subpoenaed the smoke.
Deep State Drama Club
Observers in the administration insist this wasn’t about justice, but rather power, pride, and who gets final say over grainy footage of Epstein allegedly not killing himself. President Trump was reportedly amused by the ordeal, calling it “the most American thing I’ve seen since ketchup on steak.” Meanwhile, the FBI remains under lockdown while staff vote on who had better aim.
If this is how we’re resolving oversight disputes now, the Supreme Court better invest in dueling gloves.
They were both aiming at the truth, but somehow still missed
