What You Need to Know
- White smoke seen rising from the Sistine Chapel briefly sparked worldwide celebration for a new pope.
- Vatican officials later admitted the smoke was from a “routine disposal” of sensitive paperwork, later identified as the Epstein client list.
- Cardinals insist the actual voting hadn’t started yet and blamed “clerical combustion miscommunication.”
For a brief moment on Wednesday morning, cheers erupted in St. Peter’s Square as white smoke billowed from the famed chimney atop the Sistine Chapel. Pilgrims wept. Reporters shouted “Habemus Papam!” Twitter began trending #NewPope — but it was all premature.
Shortly after, Vatican spokesperson Father Lorenzo Bellini appeared at the press podium, visibly sweating and holding a fire extinguisher.
“We regret to inform the faithful that the white smoke was not related to the papal conclave,” he said. “It was the result of burning a… highly sensitive document. Entirely unrelated. Completely coincidental. Praise be.”
Sources inside the Vatican later confirmed the incinerated document was in fact the long-rumored Jeffrey Epstein client list, which had somehow “made its way into the Vatican archives by mistake.”
“Spiritual Shredding”
Officials described the fire as a “pre-conclave cleansing,” a time-honored practice of ridding the chapel of “worldly distractions.”
“The Lord works in mysterious ways,” said one senior cardinal, “and so do our archivists.”
While the cardinals refused to release details about who was on the list, smoke analysts described the plume as “unusually bright,” likely due to the high concentration of expensive stationary and thick layers of denial.
One Vatican janitor, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the fire “smelled like cologne, corruption, and cover letters.”
Public Reaction
Reactions were swift.
Online sleuths began comparing chimney angles and smoke density to previous papal selections. Conspiracy theorists updated their spreadsheets. Meanwhile, late-night hosts scrambled to rewrite their monologues.
“I knew it wasn’t a new pope,” said one pilgrim. “Too much smoke. That was guilt burning.”
Alex Jones tried to livestream his own papal inauguration before being tackled by Swiss Guards with surprising agility.
Meanwhile, the Conclave Continues
As of press time, no pope has been elected. The cardinals have resumed voting, now with a fresh chimney and a firm reminder to “please only burn ballots, not bombshells.”
Asked whether the list was destroyed to protect reputations, one cardinal muttered, “We were just cold. Heating is expensive.”
Father Bellini concluded the press conference by assuring reporters that the Vatican remains committed to transparency, adding, “This smoke may have cleared, but not our conscience. Amen.”
