What You Need to Know
- Trump announced a major US-UK trade deal, calling it “the most beautiful deal ever done between people who speak English.”
- Minutes later, white smoke from the Sistine Chapel signaled the election of a new pope.
- Trump accused the Vatican of “stealing the show” and suggested the conclave was “probably rigged.”
Donald Trump lashed out at the Vatican today after his much-hyped UK trade deal was upstaged by the election of a new pope. The former president unveiled what he described as a “historic, game-changing, nobody-saw-it-coming” agreement with Britain — only to have it immediately buried under the literal smoke of a new Holy Father.
“They knew I was announcing the deal,” Trump said at a hastily assembled press event held in front of a digital Big Ben backdrop. “And suddenly — smoke. White smoke. You telling me that’s a coincidence? I don’t think so. Frankly, it’s disrespectful.”
Smoke Before Storm
Sources say Trump had been planning the UK trade deal reveal for weeks. The pact reportedly includes tariff reductions on Marmite, expanded access to American barbecue sauces, and a clause requiring the British Prime Minister to say “tremendous” in at least one official speech.
But just as Trump finished proclaiming it “the biggest Anglo-American win since Churchill met a cheeseburger,” white smoke began rising from the Vatican, announcing the selection of a new pope.
The moment instantly dominated headlines, knocking Trump’s deal off every major news homepage except Truth Social and a confused gardening blog that thought the smoke was about mulch regulation.
Trump Responds
“The Vatican is a very sneaky place,” Trump said. “And by the way, nobody has done more for Catholics than me. I gave them everything. Everything. And this is how they repay me? Smoke-bombing my trade deal?”
He later posted, “The Pope is fine. Probably a good guy. But I got a better deal with the UK than he ever did with God. FACT.”
Vatican Reaction
Cardinal Antonio Bellini responded diplomatically: “We were simply electing a spiritual leader. We had no intention of interfering with whatever… transatlantic sauce negotiation Mr. Trump was working on.”
One unnamed Vatican source added, “Honestly, we didn’t even know he still held press conferences.”
Final Thoughts
Trump has since floated the idea of holding a rival smoke-based event next week at Mar-a-Lago to “reclaim the narrative.” The plan includes:
- A patriotic smoke machine
- A deal announcement with “another big English-speaking country, maybe Australia or Florida”
- And a commemorative lighter engraved with “Deals Before Bishops.”
When asked if he would consider converting to Catholicism to get ahead of the next papal cycle, Trump paused and said, “Only if they let me pick the robes.”
