NEED TO KNOW
- Televangelist Joel Osteen stunned congregants this week by admitting prayer “hasn’t really done much” in his own life.
- Despite the confession, Osteen is encouraging followers to continue tithing so he can “at least keep trying on their behalf.”
- The Lakewood Church pastor announced a new $299 “Premium Blessing Tier” that includes a Zoom prayer and a signed throw pillow.
Heaven Has a 4-5 Business Day Delay, Pastor Says
Pastor Joel Osteen, America’s favorite spiritually hydrated televangelist, has rocked the faithful by admitting that prayer “doesn’t technically work” but is still offering to do it — for a modest donation. Speaking from his $40 million estate, Osteen confessed that most prayers “just bounce off the clouds like a rejected Amazon drone,” but insisted he remains spiritually available for paid intercession.
New Faith Model: Pray Less, Pay More
“If God hasn’t answered you by now, it’s probably because your seed money was under $100,” Osteen told followers during his weekly broadcast, which now features commercial breaks for Rolex and Peloton. “But for those in the $299 Premium Blessing Tier, I promise to pray directly from my infinity pool. That’s where He listens best.”
The Gospel of Brand Loyalty
Lakewood Church unveiled a new “Miracle-as-a-Service” platform, allowing subscribers to select miracle categories like “Debt Relief,” “Athletic Scholarships,” and “In-Laws Moving Away” from a sleek online portal. A $1,499 annual subscription includes a private voicemail prayer recording from Joel and a signature fragrance: ‘Osteen Spirit – Smells Like Tax-Free Dividends.’
“We can’t guarantee results,” said Osteen’s spokesperson, “but we can guarantee shipping on the prayer pillow within 2-3 weeks.” Asked if he still believes in miracles, Osteen smiled, gestured to his eight-car garage, and said, “Every Lambo is an answered prayer. Someone else’s.”
There are rumors the pastor is developing a cryptocurrency called “BlessCoin,” with transaction fees labeled as “tithes.” Faith, after all, has always been the original non-fungible token.
Miraculously, The Folly Times reached out to Joel Osteen for comment — and received an invoice.
Quote of the Moment
If God wanted you to be rich, He’d have made you me
Joel Osteen
