What You Need to Know
• Chicago’s own Pope Leo XIV personalizes his Vatican residence with Da Bears décor
• Sources say a life-sized Walter Payton Fathead now overlooks the papal desk
• Vatican officials quietly panic over the installation of a “Refrigerator Perry for Sainthood” petition
A New Era of Faith, Football, and Fridge Magnets
Freshly elected and fully unapologetic, Pope Leo XIV has wasted no time transforming his quarters inside the Apostolic Palace into a shrine not only to God, but to Da Bears. According to insiders, the pope personally installed a Walter Payton Fathead on the wall opposite his crucifix and added a framed 1985 team photo next to a centuries-old oil painting of Saint Peter.
“The Holy Spirit moves in mysterious ways,” Leo XIV reportedly said, “but it also moves the chains on 3rd and short.”
Vatican Struggles to Keep Up
Although the Vatican traditionally frowns upon personal items in papal quarters, staffers are reportedly trying to “let the man have his moment.” One aide, speaking on condition of anonymity, admitted they had to Google what a “Super Bowl Shuffle” was before allowing a VHS copy into the archives.
To the dismay of traditionalists, Pope Leo XIV has also begun referring to the Sistine Chapel as “The End Zone of the Lord.”
Local Touches and Loud Traditions
In addition to Bears memorabilia, the pope has replaced several Vatican tapestries with a Chicago skyline mural, flanked by framed quotes from Mike Ditka. A “No Packers Allowed” sign has mysteriously appeared on the Pontifical Swiss Guard locker room door.
Sources confirm Sundays will now include a 10 a.m. mass followed by a noon kickoff viewing party inside the Vatican Library. Holy water dispensers may soon double as condiment stations during playoff season.
Rebranding the Papacy, One Tailgate at a Time
While some conservative Catholics remain wary, many believers have embraced the change. “If the pope wants to follow Jesus and Ditka, who am I to judge?” said one Chicago-based cardinal.
Meanwhile, plans are underway for a limited-edition rosary with beads shaped like tiny Football helmets. Pope Leo XIV has not confirmed whether the Vatican will begin serving Italian beef at communion, but he did wink when asked.
