NEED TO KNOW
- Trump says White House ballroom demolition is “a total win for history and acoustics.”
- Critics say the review process was skipped, but contractors say “the President reviews things loudly.”
- Construction crews uncover a binder labeled “Definatly not Jeffrey Epstein Files.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump paused in the Rose Garden on Tuesday to admire the thudding of demolition hammers echoing across the White House grounds. “That’s the sound of progress,” he said, nodding. “Beautiful, beautiful progress.” The noise came from crews tearing into the East Wing to make space for a new $250 million ballroom that Trump says will “honor tradition, attract donors, and really help the acoustics of democracy.”
Officials said the project began before plans were formally approved. The White House promised to submit them “soon.” The National Capital Planning Commission confirmed it had not received any paperwork but described Trump’s approach as “results-first, paperwork-later.” Aides insisted the construction followed all necessary procedures, even if those procedures were created after the fact.
Critics called the sight of a wrecking ball swinging near the presidential residence alarming. The White House dismissed those concerns as “manufactured outrage from people who hate chandeliers.” One spokesperson said the historic integrity of the building remains intact “because technically it’s still standing.”
‘The Sound of Money and History’
Trump told guests gathered in the Rose Garden that the sounds of demolition reminded him of “the beautiful chaos of capitalism.” He said the project would be funded by private donors and “one or two great friends from other countries, the very best countries, all perfectly legal probably.”
Tourists stopped to watch debris fall as Secret Service agents reminded them not to take photos. Treasury staff warned employees not to share images, claiming the site sits above the Presidential Emergency Operations Center. “Loose photos could expose security details,” one agent said, “or Trump’s color palette.”
History Unearthed, Then Immediately Reburied
During the excavation, workers uncovered a dusty binder marked in black Sharpie: “Definatly not Jeffrey Epstein Files.” Officials confiscated it within minutes. The White House called it “an irrelevant historical curiosity,” but sources say it was handled with the same care as an active nuclear warhead.
“We didn’t open it,” said one construction worker. “It felt like bad karma. Plus, the label looked too confident.” Witnesses said Secret Service agents removed the binder in a velvet bag, followed by what looked like a small priest.
When asked about it later, Trump shrugged. “People always find things when I build. Nobody builds or finds better than me. Sometimes I even surprise history.” The sound of another wall collapsing interrupted him mid-sentence. Trump smiled. “That’s money, baby.”
Officials said construction would continue unless “workers accidentally unearth another national scandal.”
If it says ‘definitely not,’ then it’s probably exactly that.
Ray Mallard, National Association of Concerned Contractors
