NEED TO KNOW
- President Trump calls Alcatraz “a beachfront condo community for misunderstood billionaires.”
- Renovations include tanning decks, Diet Coke dispensers, and 24/7 Fox News in solitary.
- Sources confirm the new security gate passcode is “EpsteinDidn’tKillHimself2025!”
President Donald Trump announced he’s personally overseeing the “rehabilitation” of Alcatraz Island, touting it as a “luxury correctional residence for the persecuted elite.” While officially part of his “Law and Order 2.0” campaign, aides quietly confirmed the upgrades may serve dual purposes if the justice system keeps misbehaving.
“These are unfair witch trials, folks,” Trump declared from a gold-trimmed podium aboard a yacht dubbed *Sea Executive Privilege*. “But just in case—I’m fixing up a place with incredible water views and minimal Deep State interference.”
The newly dubbed “Trump National Penitentiary and Golf Retreat” now features reinforced helipads, secret tunnels allegedly gifted by a Mar-a-Lago contractor, and a Jeffrey Epstein Memorial Sauna that “no one asked for but somehow exists,” per leaked blueprints.
Critics say the project resembles a “federal timeshare for felons,” but Trump insists it’s simply about “reviving American penitentiary greatness.” Melania was not available for comment, having reportedly mistaken Alcatraz for a Mediterranean cruise destination.
Experts predict a grand opening before sentencing begins in any of Trump’s pending cases. Unironically, the ribbon-cutting will feature Alan Dershowitz, a hologram of Roy Cohn, and Kid Rock performing *Born Free* in orange jumpsuit chic.
Quote of the moment
I’m not saying I’m guilty of anything, but you know… Just in case.
Donald Trump
