NEED TO KNOW
- Mike Johnson ditches “informant” and declares Trump a knight of God
- Codename “Big Mac” reportedly updated to “Saint Donald of Mar-a-Lago”
- White House denies Trump ever carried a wire, but admits to carrying fries
A Medieval Rebrand
Speaker Mike Johnson has retracted his earlier claim that Donald Trump was merely an FBI informant in the Jeffrey Epstein saga. Instead, Johnson now says the president was “an anointed holy crusader sent to smite evil.” Reporters quickly noted that this is a step up from “guy who talks to feds,” but a natural progression in the Trumpian career ladder.
In Johnson’s revised history, Trump wasn’t trading tips with the Bureau. He was riding into Mar-a-Lago astride a golf cart steed, clutching a Big Gulp like a chalice, and casting Epstein into the moat. “He was less Deep Throat, more Deus Vult,” Johnson told cameras, gesturing with the seriousness of a man who once read the back of a Chick-fil-A cup and called it scripture.
Codename Confusion
Sources familiar with Trump’s “crusade” say his FBI codename, originally listed as “Big Mac,” has now been retroactively changed to “Saint Donald of Mar-a-Lago.” Documents also reveal an alternative title: “Protector of Minors, Destroyer of Lettuce.”
White House staff allegedly spent hours Photoshopping Trump in chainmail, holding a Quarter Pounder like Excalibur. These images were meant to inspire victims, although aides say most people mistook them for new NFT drops.
Historical Accuracy, Optional
Johnson assured reporters the rebrand was accurate because Trump had “always fought evil” and “occasionally tipped off the FBI when it didn’t affect his tee time.” Asked whether the president truly cooperated with investigators, Johnson replied: “No comment, but he did once call a medieval banquet at Bedminster.”
Critics noted the sudden shift from “informant” to “holy knight” seemed designed to placate both evangelicals and conspiracy theorists. Still, it’s unclear if voters are ready to believe Trump was crusading for purity while also inventing the McDLT.
He went from informant to inquisitor faster than you can supersize a combo meal
Reggie Talbot, Medieval Marketing Solutions
