NEED TO KNOW
- Trump vows full transparency on a 90-year-old mystery, not the recent one
- White House promises “next-level aviation justice” instead of accountability
- Officials confirm the Earhart archive includes no mention of Jeffrey Epstein
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump said he will declassify every government record about Amelia Earhart, calling it a “huge transparency victory.” Reporters nodded, then asked the question everyone expected: where are the Epstein files. Trump smiled and steered the conversation back to aviation history, saying America must first “solve the skies.”
The Great Distraction
According to aides, boxes labeled “EARHART: MYSTERY FUN PACK” will roll out first. They include flight logs, island maps, and a 1930s memo that reads “bring extra sandwiches.” Meanwhile, the Epstein folders sit in a nearby stack with a fresh label that says “pending turbulence.” The press pool noticed the new sticker. The president noticed the cameras and praised his leadership in “bringing closure to a very famous pilot.”
Reporters tried again. They asked if the same urgency applies to the client list. Trump replied that Earhart flies at a different altitude, and altitude matters. He promised an “all-of-government search” for clues: beaches, islands, archives, and a few golf bunkers just in case. Because the nation loves progress, he added, the public will see “incredible pages” very soon.
Transparency, But Only Up in the Air
Officials say the Earhart release will arrive as high-resolution PDFs. Redactions will appear in tasteful rectangles. Moreover, a special appendix will explain how compasses work. Historians plan watch parties. Conspiracy influencers plan affiliate links. However, none of the previews contain names that rhyme with “client list.”
Supporters cheer the move as proof that Trump solves problems others ignore. They argue that if you can unlock the Pacific, you can unlock anything later. Critics counter that the timing looks convenient. Instead of answering about Epstein, the White House now schedules a celebration of maps, clouds, and bravery. The public gets an answer, just not to the question it asked.
Meanwhile, agencies update websites to feature Earhart timelines, classroom kits, and a commemorative crossword. The National Archives adds a new search button: “Aviators.” The “Associated Names” button remains under maintenance. Therefore, Americans will learn a lot about Lockheed Electras, radio beacons, and ocean currents. They will still not learn who booked the flights to a certain private island.
The president posted a victory message: “We found the truth about Amelia. Next we find even more truth.” Readers asked, “Great, when do we see the Epstein files.” The reply arrived minutes later: “After Amelia lands.” As of press time, her plane still circles history, and the other records circle the runway.
Historians remain skeptical, noting the president previously declassified the UFO files, the Colonel Sanders spice formula, and “some very interesting things about Bigfoot.”
It’s unclear what, if anything, the administration’s findings will reveal, but officials stress that “nothing is off the table,” except, apparently, Epstein’s black book.
We’re one step closer to solving the mystery of flight, just not the ones people keep asking about
Tommy Sandoval, National Aviation Accountability League
