NEED TO KNOW
Spotlight Crisis Erupts in MAGAverse
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Former President Donald Trump has intervened in the escalating MAGA spat between Sen. Ted Cruz and Tucker Carlson, demanding the pair stop arguing on camera because, in his words, “it’s taking all the attention away from my beautiful, incredible flagpole.”
Sources say Trump was “livid” to discover the Cruz-Carlson clip outperformed his flag-raising post on Truth Social by 1.4 million views.
Flag Envy and Friendship Management
According to White House aides, Trump called both men personally. “I told them, you’re not helping the movement. You’re helping CNN, probably even Rosie O’Donnell,” he recounted. “We can’t win World War III or the Commissioner’s Cup with this level of bickering.”
Trump insisted the two make up before the end of the week or risk being “moved to the C-tier seats at Mar-a-Lago.”
Cruz Claims He Knew Iran’s Population, Just Didn’t Want to Interrupt
In a new interview, Cruz said he had “just forgotten Iran’s population out of humility,” while Carlson continued to imply the senator’s foreign policy knowledge is roughly equivalent to a Chick-fil-A menu. Trump then reportedly offered to quiz both men himself “on live TV, with buzzers.”
“Nobody would’ve asked about Iran if they saw how tall my flag was,” Trump added. “It’s very distracting. Probably the tallest flagpole a president has ever saluted. Reagan would be jealous.”
Peace Restored With Conditional Loyalty Oaths
To settle the dispute, Trump is expected to host a ceremonial “MAGA Apology Picnic” on the South Lawn. Activities will include group handshakes, a loyalty pledge karaoke contest, and a scaled-down reenactment of the flag raising—this time with Tucker and Ted holding the rope together.
“It’s about unity,” Trump concluded. “And also making sure people aren’t talking about anyone else’s accomplishments, like grilling someone about geography. That’s just rude.”
Quote of the moment
If your little fight gets more clicks than my flag, you’re officially not part of the movement anymore
Donald J. Trump
