NEED TO KNOW
- President Trump says Diddy will “get to the bottom” of the Epstein client list using “street tactics and bottle service.”
- Diddy reportedly demanded the files come with VIP wristbands and a fog machine.
- Legal scholars are unsure if a remix of “I’ll Be Missing You” counts as subpoena power.
President Donald Trump stunned Washington by naming Sean “Diddy” Combs as the official Special Prosecutor for the Epstein files. Trump made the announcement at a Mar-a-Lago poolside press briefing, flanked by an inflatable bald eagle and DJ Khaled.
“Diddy has what we need,” Trump declared. “Grit, determination, and a five-album deal with Bad Boy that still slaps. The Deep State won’t know what hit them.”
The appointment comes as Trump vows to “finally release the Epstein list,” but only after Diddy hosts a federal investigation “with bottle service and NDA-only guest lists.” Sources say subpoenas may be delivered by backup dancers.
Diddy, who showed up in a white fur trench coat, pledged to uncover “who was really on that island,” before launching into an impromptu remix of “Mo Money Mo Problems” rewritten as “Mo Traffickers Mo Problems.” The press corps stood in confused silence, unsure if it was legally binding.
Legal experts expressed hesitation. “Diddy is not a lawyer,” said one constitutional scholar. “But neither is Giuliani, and look where that got us.”
The Justice Department has not commented. Trump, however, insists the investigation will be “the most fabulous raid in history.”
The subpoena forms reportedly smell like Cîroc.
Quote of the moment
We’re gonna make the files dance before we burn ‘em
Diddy, Special Prosecutor
