NEED TO KNOW
- Darren Beattie, Trump’s “anti-disinfo” pick, married into a family with strong ties to Putin.
- The State Department shut down its Russia-watchdog office and started offering ballet lessons instead.
- Security clearances now involve taste tests of Russian ice cream, not background checks.
Washington Finds Its Inner Oligarch
Trump’s “America First” plan took a strange turn at Foggy Bottom. Darren Beattie, now the State Department’s top “anti-disinfo” official, brought in more Russian vibes than a Moscow night club. After marrying into a Putin-linked family, Beattie’s office reportedly swapped policy memos for caviar and hockey pucks. He insists this is just cultural exchange. Others call it “Bring Your Oligarch to Work Day.”
Russia-Watchdogs Out, Swan Lake In
Beattie quickly closed the office meant to track Russian propaganda. In its place? Ballet classes, Russian hockey, and a sudden interest in nesting dolls. “Frankly, every Western agency would run smoother with a little more Moscow flair,” Beattie posted online. Sales of fur hats in the gift shop spiked, while staff learned the Russian word for “promotion.”
Clearances and Caviar
The new security clearance process now features a pop quiz on Tchaikovsky. Employees are also judged on their knowledge of Putin’s favorite snacks. “I just hope my next assignment involves more vodka and less Siberia,” said one staffer. The office thermostat sits on “permafrost.”
Vodka Diplomacy, Not Color Revolutions
Beattie says culture beats coups every time. Congress noticed his job only lasts 210 days unless he’s named ballet director. Rumors swirl that America’s next aid package to Russia could be delivered inside a Fabergé egg. At least this time, the U.S. will know who to thank.
Gift Shop Now Accepts Rubles
While the Senate debates his future, State Department gift shops are selling T-shirts reading: “I Went to D.C. and All I Got Was This Oligarch’s Number.” Beattie’s next move may be a dacha in the Urals, but for now, Trump’s Russia policy seems heavy on the caviar and light on the facts.
Quote of the Moment
I just wanted to bring a little ballet, a little vodka, and a lot of totally normal foreign policy to Foggy Bottom
Darren Beattie
