NEED TO KNOW
- Ted Cruz and wife Heidi dined with Trump at the White House, grinning through trauma bonding and tax cuts.
- Trump reportedly told three jokes about Heidi’s face, one about her voice, and one about Ted’s alleged human soul.
- “We’re closer than ever,” Heidi said, while blinking Morse code into a Secret Service camera.
Ted Cruz and his wife Heidi were all smiles at the White House Thursday night as they joined President Trump for a celebratory dinner after the passage of the One, Big, Beautiful Bill — which analysts believe might be a budget, an immigration policy, or possibly just a Chick-fil-A gift card for the wealthy.
In a dazzling display of public reconciliation, Cruz was seen laughing heartily while Trump made repeated jokes about Heidi’s “strong jawline” and “debate-stage lighting.” One guest claimed the president also suggested she “could’ve modeled for Mount Rushmore — if she smiled less.”
When asked how the couple was doing, Cruz replied, “Our marriage is stronger than ever. Nothing brings people together like humiliation followed by pork-barrel funding.” Heidi, clenching her mimosa glass with unsettling force, nodded in agreement and said, “Honestly, it’s great. Trump’s jokes build character. We love character.”
Sources close to the couple say they’re planning a second honeymoon in Cancun, assuming Ted doesn’t get distracted by another PR disaster or a podcast recording about Founding Father masculinity.
Meanwhile, Trump described the evening as “absolutely tremendous,” adding, “Some people say mean things are bad for marriage. Not me. I healed it. With jokes. Incredible jokes.”
Quote of the moment
We got to sit near the table and it turns out forgiveness tastes a lot like Wagyu and Stockholm Syndrome
White House sous-chef, anonymously
