NEED TO KNOW
- Fed Chair Jerome Powell shouted “Just close the f*cking door” as reporters asked about his alleged “VIP marble spa wing.”
- Rep. Anna Paulina Luna referred Powell for perjury, citing “the vibe of deception” and a gut feeling she had during a facial.
- Trump says he probably won’t fire Powell, but may still “bully him into early retirement like a proper alpha.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell was hit with a criminal referral this week from Rep. Anna Paulina Luna, who claimed the central banker lied under oath about a $600 million cost overrun and the suspiciously vibey presence of “fountains, elevators, and good lighting.”
The real drama, however, unfolded when a reporter dared to ask whether the Eccles Building now includes “a secret rooftop mimosa grotto.” A visibly exhausted Powell reportedly shouted, “Just close the f*cking door,” before storming off with a portfolio full of bond yield charts and unreturned calls from Jim Cramer.
House Republicans insist Powell perjured himself by denying the existence of luxury features during Senate testimony. However, documents show the new Fed amenities include exactly one (1) microwave, a private hallway to nowhere, and an artisanal water cooler that always leaks.
Meanwhile, President Donald Trump told Fox Business it was “highly unlikely” he’d fire Powell, unless “he keeps acting like a broke version of Janet Yellen with a landscaping budget.”
Congress remains divided. Libertarians demanded an audit. Progressives demanded a garden accessible to non-binary hummingbirds. Powell demanded someone please close the goddamn door.
Quote of the moment
I swear on Milton Friedman’s grave, if that door creaks again, I’m hiking rates until the economy squeals
Jerome Powell, Fed Chair (for now)
