NEED TO KNOW
- Attorney General Pam Bondi mistook key Epstein documents for “nonessential clutter” during a late-night office cleaning binge.
- The DOJ now admits Phase I binders were turned into confetti, later scattered by Bondi’s cat across her Tallahassee townhouse.
- Officials say “most of it” was digitized, though the thumb drive is currently missing “under a decorative throw pillow or worse.”
Filing System Based on Vibes Backfires Immediately
The Department of Justice admitted Attorney General Pam Bondi shredded Epstein case documents while reorganizing her office. It happened during a “midnight breakthrough,” inspired by Marie Kondo and a fridge full of hard seltzer.
‘Thank You For Your Service’ – Pam, to the Epstein Files
According to a witness, Bondi thanked each binder and fed it into the shredder while burning sage. “No more secrets in this space,” she reportedly said while waving a crystal over her inbox.
National Evidence Turned into Decorative Confetti
The next morning, her cat Chairman Meow mistook the shredded pile for a celebration-themed litter box. Staff attempted to reconstruct the files, but the cat shredded them again after being startled by a Roomba.
Official DOJ Response: ‘Our Bad’
The DOJ confirmed the files were no longer legible. A spokesperson claimed the content had been backed up but admitted the flash drive was “probably in someone’s gym bag.”
Future Release Timeline: TBD (Totally Not Backed-Up)
Bondi was asked if the documents would be reassembled. “Maybe,” she replied before walking into a broom closet for what aides called a “meditative pause.” Her cat has since been reassigned to “paperwork security.”
Quote of the Moment
I didn’t destroy evidence. I decluttered the trauma
Pam Bondi, possibly after six LaCroix and one spiritual awakening
