NEED TO KNOW
- Congress quietly passed several absurd measures inside the 1,123-page Big Beautiful Bill.
- Provisions range from 1980s-era nostalgia mandates to IRS bribe acceptance guidelines.
- Critics argue the bill is “less policy, more elaborate prank with legal consequences.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Buried beneath tax reform and immigration buzzwords, the One Big Beautiful Bill also sneaks in five baffling provisions that sailed through unnoticed by most lawmakers, interns, and functioning adults.
Mandatory Reagan Portraits in All Public Bathrooms
Section 8402 mandates every federal and state-operated restroom install a framed photo of Ronald Reagan above each urinal and toilet. Supporters claim it will “instill fiscal discipline and reduce bathroom loitering.” Opponents worry it might inspire trickle-down anxiety.
Government Apps Must Crash After Login
To promote equal tech frustration, Section 9830 requires all future government apps to function flawlessly until the exact moment users hit “submit.” A bipartisan note in the margin adds: “Glitch builds character.”
IRS to Accept Gift Card Bribes
Section 4091 lets taxpayers avoid audits by submitting $250 in Olive Garden gift cards, provided the intent to bribe is “sincerely sarcastic.” Treasury says this will “increase morale and breadstick access.”
Presidential Libraries Must Include Hourly Dubstep Anthem
All presidential libraries must now blast a dubstep remix of each leader’s catchphrase. Trump’s library already installed “I Alone Can Fix It (Bass Drop Edit)” next to the MAGA hat wall.
Jury Duty Can Be Avoided with Self-Declared Emergency
Citizens may now skip jury service by declaring a “personal national emergency.” Valid excuses include “dog is sad,” “binge-watching the Constitution,” and “still emotionally in 2016.”
Quote of the moment
At this point I just vote yes if the font size looks serious
Senator Mike Crapo
