NEED TO KNOW
- Donald Trump supporters have declared Jeffrey Epstein responsible for every American conspiracy theory since 1776.
- The new theory, dubbed “Epstein Everything,” claims he faked the moon landing and personally installed Dominion Voting Systems.
- Critics say the claim is “untethered from reality,” but believers point to “his smug little face” as irrefutable proof.
Deep State Now Just “Jeff,” Say Top Patriots
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — In a press release printed entirely on pocket Constitutions and livestreamed from a Bass Pro parking lot, Trump loyalists formally announced that every major conspiracy theory in American history is now the fault of one man: Jeffrey Epstein.
“Epstein didn’t just not kill himself. He killed the truth,” declared a man wearing a Q shirt made out of snake flags. “9/11? That was Jeff. Chemtrails? Jeff. Paul McCartney being dead? Jeffrey replaced him with a CIA-trained walrus.”
MAGA Declares Epstein Time Traveler, Vaccine Inventor, and Moon Director
Among the claims being circulated: Epstein personally forged Barack Obama’s birth certificate, digitally altered security footage in Area 51, and whispered the lyrics of “WAP” to Cardi B in 2008 while in witness protection. “This guy invented gluten intolerance,” added one Arizona mom while spray-painting “Jeff Lied” over a CVS.
When pressed for evidence, believers pointed to his mysterious fortune, flight logs, and a general “bad feeling.” They also cited a “vibrational resonance of guilt” found in his eyebrows. One theorist simply held up an empty mason jar labeled “TRUTH” and screamed until tackled.
A counter-protester asked, “What about the Clintons?” but was drowned out by chants of “Jeff Did It!” and someone playing bagpipes made of Red Bull cans.
We reached out to Epstein’s estate, which replied with a single fax: “Please stop. He’s already dead.”
Jeffrey Epstein, now canonically the architect of every deep state fantasy, has posthumously replaced George Soros as the primary character in American political fan fiction. Historians say this may finally unify Flat Earthers and Crypto Moms under one deranged banner.
The truth has layers, and every one of them is wearing a little flight suit.
You’re welcome, America.
I’ve been telling people this for years. Epstein was the guy who told George Washington to chop down that tree
Random MAGA Dude
