NEED TO KNOW
- Republicans say hospitals should “pray first, treat later.”
- JD Vance clarifies: “If you’re undocumented, you’re unresurrectable.”
- Democrats stunned to learn Bible now doubles as a healthcare policy manual.
With the government closed and compassion furloughed, Republican leaders are defending their latest shutdown demand: denying emergency care to undocumented immigrants. Vice President JD Vance called it “the most Christ-like policy ever crafted by men with zero medical training.”
Standing before a crowd of faith leaders, Vance explained, “If Jesus wanted everyone healed, He would’ve built a hospital, not walked around freeloading miracles.” He added that hospitals should “try prayer first” before wasting precious taxpayer dollars on “people God clearly forgot to bless with birth certificates.”
Salvation by Citizenship
Speaker Mike Johnson, beaming with righteous indignation, assured voters the policy aligns perfectly with Christian doctrine. “We’re not cruel,” he said. “We’re simply helping Jesus streamline His triage list.” When asked if EMTALA, the federal law requiring emergency care, should still apply, Johnson responded, “Absolutely, for Americans. Everyone else can see if heaven takes Medicaid.”
Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt echoed the sentiment during Thursday’s briefing. “This administration believes every soul deserves a chance at redemption,” she said, “just not antibiotics.”
Faith-Based Healthcare Reform
Republicans unveiled a new initiative called *Faith First*, promising churches nationwide will handle future emergencies through “laying on of hands, fasting, and GoFundMe.” The program’s slogan, *He Helps Those Who Help Themselves to a Work Visa*, is already being printed on prayer cards and campaign merch.
Democrats, meanwhile, argued that letting patients die in ERs might be “a bad look for the moral majority.” Vance dismissed their concerns, saying, “We’ve prayed on it, and God told us He’s out of network.”
As Americans brace for the shutdown’s impact, hospitals are reportedly developing new screening forms that ask: “What would Jesus bill?”
We’re not heartless, we’re just allergic to empathy without a Social Security number
Reverend Buck Haliburton, FaithPAC
