NEED TO KNOW
- DHS says paint will make wall “too hot to climb,” forgetting about gloves.
- Mexico allegedly asked to cover the first coat of paint, but ran out of brushes.
- Experts warn the wall cools down at night, when the sun “goes bye bye.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem announced Tuesday that the United States has officially committed to painting the entire southern Border Wall black, in what she described as “a bold fusion of national security and interior decorating.” The new glossy finish, she claimed, will make the steel structure so hot during the day that “illegal immigrants won’t dare touch it.”
Standing in front of construction crews with fresh rollers, Noem explained that President Trump himself came up with the idea, calling it “Operation Hot Rod.” “When something is black, it gets hotter in the sun. That’s basic science, folks. Tremendous science,” Trump reportedly told aides.
Critics immediately pointed out several flaws. For one, gloves continue to exist. “We checked, and Amazon still sells them in bulk,” said one skeptical border analyst. “Unless the administration is planning a national glove ban, I don’t see this working.”
Another overlooked problem: the sun goes down. “At night the wall will just be a big cool ladder again,” said another expert, noting that migrants tend to travel after dark. “We’re basically paying billions for a giant Easy-Bake Oven that only works half the day.”
Funding questions remain, with rumors swirling that Mexico was quietly asked to pay for the paint. A leaked memo suggested Mexican officials offered to “cover the primer coat,” but stopped returning phone calls when DHS asked them to spring for the Sherwin-Williams upgrade.
Still, DHS insists the strategy has multiple benefits. “Yes, it deters climbers. But it also prevents rust, absorbs solar energy, and could double as the world’s largest outdoor George Foreman Grill,” said Border Patrol Chief Mike Banks. “We’re already testing fajitas on a 20-foot section outside El Paso.”
Who needs immigration reform when you’ve got a wall that doubles as a hibachi?
Carl “Bud” Henderson, Americans for Practical Patriotism
