NEED TO KNOW
- White House drops airline compensation rule, calls $14 airport burger “part of the experience.”
- DOT says prayer and gate changes are now valid replacements for refunds.
- Delta thanks administration for “finally monetizing human suffering correctly.”
No More Cash, Only Spiritual Reimbursement
The Trump administration announced this week that airlines will no longer be forced to pay passengers for lengthy delays. Instead, the Department of Transportation confirmed travelers will receive “thoughts and prayers” and, if lucky, a gate change 400 yards away.
Officials claimed the move was about reducing regulatory burdens. However, passengers trapped in Dallas noted it felt more like being held hostage at Chili’s To-Go.
Airline Lobby Wins Big
Airlines for America, the trade group representing major carriers, celebrated the decision as a “victory for common sense.” Spokespeople explained that if Americans wanted compensation for delays, they should have chosen to fly Air Canada, which apparently still values dignity.
Critics argued that deregulation encourages airlines to treat passengers like unpaid extras in an endurance reality show. Yet, White House aides insisted this “builds grit” and strengthens the nation.
Praying at the Gate
Transportation Secretary officials outlined new guidelines: passengers stranded more than three hours may request “emergency spiritual counseling,” provided by airport chaplains, in lieu of meals or hotel vouchers. Refunds will only apply if the plane literally disappears into another dimension.
When asked about Americans paying $14 for soggy sandwiches, the administration praised the cost as “a patriotic investment in capitalism.” Meanwhile, passengers stranded in Dallas were spotted chanting for mercy as Spirit Airlines sold bottled water at “market price.”
The Lord works in mysterious ways, but Delta works in even slower ones
Pastor Ray, Airport Interfaith Prayer Kiosk
