MIAMI, FL — President Donald Trump filed a $10 billion lawsuit Friday accusing the Wall Street Journal of “emotional assassination by boob forgery,” after the paper published a report linking him to a lewd birthday letter for Jeffrey Epstein allegedly decorated with crude cartoon breasts.
“This is disgusting. This is perverted. And worst of all — the lines were uneven!” Trump bellowed outside a Miami courthouse, holding up a blown-up sketch of a woman-shaped outline with his signature squiggled where the bikini wax should be. “I don’t even know how to draw a boob that small. Never have. Never will.”
The lawsuit, filed in the Southern District of Florida, targets Dow Jones, News Corp, Rupert Murdoch, and two WSJ reporters for “intentionally implying that President Trump uses felt-tip markers for vulgar doodling instead of serious policy diagrams, like border walls and Ivanka’s clothing line prototypes.”
Critics point to the President’s years of doodling skylines that resemble melting Lego cities as clear proof he is capable of line-based eroticism. Trump disagrees. “I draw buildings, not bosoms. Everyone knows that,” he said. “And if I did draw them? Tremendous. So round. You’d pay just to see the napkin.”
Trump also stated, “I’ve given Jeffrey many things — steak dinners, legal advice, unsolicited shoulder rubs — but not that.”
Quote of the moment
That’s not my boobs, folks. I know boobs. Great boobs. Tremendous ones. But I would never draw them — not even for Jeffrey’s birthday
Donald Trump
