NEED TO KNOW
- The Supreme Court upholds Texas law requiring ID to view “sexually explicit” websites.
- Conservatives celebrate as gun purchases remain anonymous and porn becomes DMV-certified.
- States consider expanding age checks to memes, yoga pants, and “lustful chili cookoffs.”
Welcome to the Age of Constitutional Censorship
In a 6-3 ruling, the Supreme Court upheld a Texas law requiring internet users to verify their age before accessing anything with even a whiff of cleavage. While minors still have unrestricted access to firearms, the court ruled that clicking “Yes, I’m 18” isn’t good enough when it comes to consenting adults googling “tasteful stuff.”
Proving You’re Old Enough to Be Disappointed
The law requires users to upload government-issued IDs, submit to third-party age verification, and possibly complete a CAPTCHA proving they can name at least three Golden Girls. Texans celebrated the ruling by immediately uploading their driver’s licenses to a Romanian cosplay site called BootyConstitution.gov.
Second Amendment Still Exempts Pants
Critics note that while Americans can buy an AR-15 in under ten minutes, they now face more bureaucracy for watching two consenting adults enjoy each other in hi-def. “It’s easier to open carry than it is to open OnlyFans,” said one confused voter holding a Glock in one hand and a VPN guide in the other.
Quote of the moment
If God didn’t want us to protect the children from boobs, He wouldn’t have invented biometric age verification
Ken Paxton, Texas Attorney General
