NEED TO KNOW
- DOJ memo says there’s no Epstein “client list,” no foul play, and definitely no reason to keep asking questions.
- Pam Bondi blames video gaps on “overconfident cameras” that assumed Epstein would behave.
- The shredded case files were reportedly mistaken for “miscellaneous clutter” during a midnight office cleanse.
The Case Collapses Faster Than a Plea Deal Under Fluorescent Lighting
Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Tuesday that all rumors surrounding Jeffrey Epstein’s death have officially been debunked, self-deleted, and recycled as office confetti. According to a memo jointly issued by the DOJ and FBI, Epstein’s death was a good old-fashioned, cameras-off suicide, wrapped neatly in red tape and plausible deniability.
“There is no client list. There was never a client list. And if there were a client list, it would probably be handwritten in invisible ink and stored inside a dolphin,” Bondi told reporters while sipping a green juice labeled ‘evidence smoothie.’
Security Footage Entered Its ‘Do Not Disturb’ Era
When asked about the infamous camera blackout during Epstein’s final moments, Bondi claimed the system was “so confident he’d behave, it took a union break.” She added, “It’s 2025. Even surveillance needs self-care.” The memo echoed her sentiment, stating that the lapse in footage was consistent with Epstein’s high-risk classification of ‘Definitely Not Being Watched.’
Midnight Marie Kondo-ing: A Crime of Vibes
Sources confirmed Bondi’s office accidentally shredded hundreds of case documents during what she called a “post-Zyn clarity purge.” Inspired by a late-night binge of home organization shows, Bondi mistook binders labeled “TOP SECRET: DO NOT DESTROY” for emotional baggage and fed them joyfully into a government-grade shredder. The pile was later used as decor at a Mar-a-Lago influencer mixer. Her cat reportedly urinated on several fragments.
It’s unclear what happens next, but the DOJ has declared the matter closed. For good measure, the printer responsible for creating the documents has also been fired.
A DOJ spokesperson declined to elaborate further, saying only, “We looked. We found nothing. Let it go. Seriously, let it go.”
The Folly Times reached out to Pam Bondi, the FBI, and Epstein’s former butler. No one returned our calls, though we did receive a cease-and-desist letter wrapped around a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
The cameras didn’t fail. They just chose peace.
