Rep. Greene’s new $42 Gulf of America hat promises to protect liberty, confuse geographers, and deflect criticism one overpriced thread at a…
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First American Pope to Go by “Da Pope,” Chicago Celebrates with Deep Dish and Italian Beef
Chicago-born Robert Prevost becomes Pope Leo XIV, but his hometown isn’t waiting for formalities. He’s Da Pope now and the deep dish is holy.…
Click to Keep ReadingTrump’s long-awaited UK trade deal was upstaged by white smoke from the Vatican announcing a new pope. He’s not taking it well.…
Click to Keep ReadingWhite Smoke Signals New Pope, Vatican Later Clarifies It Was Just the Epstein Client List Being Incinerated
Vatican confirms the white smoke seen over the Sistine Chapel wasn’t for a new pope, but rather the incineration of the Epstein client list. Divine timing or strategic smokescreen?…
Click to Keep ReadingVatican Black Smoke Causes Stir, Turns Out to Be Burnt Pizza from Local Chef Giuseppe Spatoloni
The Vatican’s papal smoke tradition was briefly interrupted after a pizza chef accidentally smoked out the conclave. Vatican confirms: no pope, just pepperoni.…
Click to Keep ReadingTrump Reaches Historic Trade Deal with Penguins and Seals, Declares Victory Over Heard and McDonald Islands
Trump claims he’s struck a deal with the penguins and seals of Heard and McDonald Islands. The animals have yet to comment. Or blink.…
Click to Keep ReadingTrump brings back Alcatraz and invites Clint Eastwood to yell at an empty prison cell. Critics call it surreal; supporters call it “deeply moving and possibly legally binding.”…
Click to Keep ReadingSenator JD Vance accuses ChatGPT users of bad manners and proposes a law to redirect AI politeness toward Elon Musk’s struggling Grok. Because of course he did.…
Click to Keep ReadingTrump Announces 50% Tariff on Fun for Cinco de Mayo, Cites “Unfair Advantage in Joy Production”
Trump announces a 50% tariff on Cinco de Mayo celebrations, targeting margaritas, dancing, and joy. He calls it a necessary step to “protect American party jobs.”…
Click to Keep ReadingKey Takeaways In the most Trump way possible to celebrate Star Wars Day, the former president held a press conference at Mar-a-Lago flanked by cardboard cutouts of Darth Vader and Chewbacca to formally declare himself a Jedi Master. “People don’t know this, but I was…
Click to Keep ReadingTed Cruz Starts Using N-Word to Fund Family Getaways After Seeing It Works for Minnesota Mom
After a Minnesota woman raised half a million for slinging slurs, Ted Cruz figured he’d give it a try. His Cancun fund is already booming.…
Click to Keep ReadingTrump posts AI image of himself as Pope days after Francis’ funeral, declares himself the new spiritual leader “with better robes and way more charisma.”…
Click to Keep ReadingOur liberty depends on the freedom of the press, and that cannot be limited without being lost.
Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper the media. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle.
-Thomas Jefferson