NEED TO KNOW
- The FDA just greenlit a groundbreaking therapy that is literally just Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” played on endless repeat.
- Patients showed a 74% increase in optimism and a 900% increase in involuntary singalongs.
- Insurance companies already debating if this counts as music therapy or cruel and unusual punishment.
Medical Miracle or Karaoke Nightmare?
In a unanimous decision, the FDA has approved a new mental health treatment unlike any before it: patients will listen to Journey’s classic hit “Don’t Stop Believin’” over and over—potentially forever. The therapy, named “Steveperbole,” claims to boost optimism, erase negativity, and make even the most jaded cynic tap their foot involuntarily.
The Science of Never Giving Up (on This Song)
Lead researcher Dr. Mel Odieum explained, “Every time we played ‘Don’t Stop Believin’’ for our test subjects, their spirits lifted, their eyes brightened, and by the third loop, most were singing along. By hour seven, we noticed either euphoria or complete surrender.” The study, conducted at the University of Infinite Choruses, found that patients exposed to the therapy demonstrated measurable increases in hope, resilience, and the ability to recite all of the lyrics, including the line about “streetlight people.”
Side Effects May Include Sudden Desire to Buy a Camaro
Not all results were positive. Some patients reportedly experienced spontaneous 80s hair growth, excessive air guitar solos, and a sudden urge to travel to Detroit. Several insurance companies are hesitant to cover the treatment, with one adjuster noting, “If this qualifies as medical care, my teenager deserves a co-pay for every time she belts it out in the shower.”
Still, proponents say that in a world short on hope, the power of an endless, crowd-pleasing chorus cannot be underestimated. “No other therapy has convinced so many strangers in waiting rooms to sway side by side,” Dr. Odieum said. “For some, that’s a miracle. For others, it’s grounds for a restraining order.”
Doctors Warn About ‘Small Town Girl’ Syndrome
The FDA warns that side effects may include loss of musical taste, persistent flashbacks to prom, and a sudden craving for diner coffee at midnight. However, clinical trials continue to show that nobody, not even stoic grandfathers, can resist the final chorus. As the therapy rolls out nationwide, the American Psychiatric Association is preparing for a shortage of Journey t-shirts.
As for the researchers, they are already studying the effect of alternating “Don’t Stop Believin’” with “Africa” by Toto. Early data suggests the potential for world peace—if anyone survives the playlist.
Quote of the Moment
Sometimes all you need is a small town girl, a midnight train, and a government health plan that covers classic rock.
