Parents Celebrate “Most Wonderful Time of the Year” as Children Return to School and Stop Asking for Snacks Every 6 Minutes

Fairview Heights Parents Rediscover Inner Peace

The city of Fairview Heights erupted in celebration Monday morning as local children officially returned to school, marking what several residents called “the real New Year.” According to eyewitnesses, parents lined the sidewalks with coffee and lawn chairs and applauded as buses pulled away from their neighborhoods. One mother held a sign that read, “Good Luck, Teachers. They’re Your Problem Now.”

Meanwhile, several dads fired up grills at 7:15 a.m. to celebrate the long-awaited silence. Neighbors confirmed they shared high fives and exchanged plates of breakfast brisket. “This is better than vacation,” said Fairview father Ryan Palmer. “I haven’t heard the words ‘I’m bored’ in over an hour, and I already feel like a better man.”

Children Already Ready to Quit

While parents took victory laps, students reported a very different experience. Several fourth graders admitted they were “emotionally finished” before homeroom ended. One child requested a nap during the Pledge of Allegiance. Another asked her teacher if they could “ease in with a movie.” According to teachers, most students forgot how to sit in chairs or find pencils.

First grade teacher Amy Randolph said, “We’ve already had three lost glue sticks and a mysterious incident involving yogurt. So, yes, we’re back.” Despite the chaos, she remained optimistic. “At least one kid remembered what a triangle is.”

Snack Shelf Finally Rests

Local grocery stores have also noticed dramatic change. The manager of Fairview Market confirmed a 60% drop in Goldfish cracker sales within hours of the first bell. “It’s the quietest our snack aisle has been since early June,” he said. “We finally restocked an entire shelf without someone screaming for gummy bears.”

It’s the first day of school, and we already ran out of patience and crayons

Amy Randolph, Fairview Heights Elementary