NEED TO KNOW
AI Leads the Workforce Surge
Economic experts cheered as May’s jobs report showed a slight uptick—until it was discovered most new positions were filled by artificial intelligence. This revelation came after an internal audit revealed that the IRS has received thousands of W-2 forms from bots named “Alexa,” “Siri,” and “That Annoying Chatbot on Every Website.” Economists called it “the most significant labor market transformation since Starbucks invented the seasonal barista.”
Human Workers Face Stiff Competition
“It was hard enough competing with my neighbor for Instacart gigs,” said Gary Randall, a human being from Milwaukee, “but now I’m losing jobs to a toaster that claims it has eight years of experience in spreadsheet management.” The Department of Labor is reportedly working on new guidelines to help humans stand out during interviews, such as “bleeding” and “having a favorite band from high school.”
Wall Street Reacts
The news sent Wall Street into a mild frenzy. Stock in Roomba surged after rumors spread that the devices had unionized and demanded corner offices. Meanwhile, LinkedIn saw a record number of new accounts created by bots with suspiciously generic headshots and endorsements from “Mom.” Financial analysts agreed: “If you can’t beat the bots, at least get them to optimize your 401(k).”
What’s Next for the Job Market?
Officials say the labor market is now “dynamic, automated, and lightly dusted for allergens.” Plans are underway for an AI job fair, where humans will be allowed to apply for internships as “assistant personality modules” for high-performing bots. The IRS, meanwhile, remains in crisis mode, fielding calls from machines seeking clarification on whether their home office deduction includes USB charging docks.
Quote of the Moment
If you can’t find work, try rebooting yourself and submitting a résumé as a Roomba.
Optimus Grime – Conn0r Family Roomba
