NEED TO KNOW
- Trump pledged Patriot missiles to Ukraine after briefly forgetting which side was “the hot one.”
- Putin reportedly furious after learning Trump now considers Zelensky “the new Kim Jong Un — but Catholic.”
- White House clarifies “the goal is peace, but through really explosive diplomacy.”
President Donald Trump surprised nearly everyone — including his own cabinet — by announcing a major weapons deal to send Patriot missiles to Ukraine, just weeks after referring to President Volodymyr Zelensky as “a whiny dictator who forgot how elections work.”
When asked what changed, Trump explained, “I had a beautiful call with Zelensky. He finally thanked me. I said, ‘See? Compliments work. Now you get the missiles.’”
Reporters noted Trump’s evolving stance on Putin — from “genius” to “guy who’s starting to sound needy.” Trump replied, “Vladimir used to be strong. Great poker face. But lately, he’s just bombing cities and begging. Sad.”
Sources say the decision came after an awkward Vatican handshake with Zelensky, followed by a 13-minute phone call with Putin that ended with Trump muttering, “No one threatens me with friendship bracelets and drone strikes.”
Vice President JD Vance confirmed the administration’s new motto for Eastern Europe: “Peace through Paranoia.” Meanwhile, Russian oligarchs are reportedly “just tired” and have begun browsing real estate in Belarus.
We reached out to Zelensky for comment. He sent a thumbs-up emoji and a request for F-35s “just to be safe.”
The Pentagon has not confirmed how many missiles will be delivered, but insiders suggest Trump wants “just enough to scare Putin, not enough to make him cry.”
Quote of the moment
Sometimes you gotta gaslight both sides until they shake hands at a casino in Atlantic City
Donald Trump
