NEED TO KNOW
- French authorities report a royal crown was stolen from the Louvre during a MAGA-led “Freedom Tour” of Europe
- Donald Trump denies involvement, claims he merely “appreciated the craftsmanship” while “inspecting it with his hands”
- Critics note the timing overlaps suspiciously with Trump’s recent comments about needing “better accessories for a comeback”
PARIS, FRANCE – A priceless royal crown has vanished from the Louvre, and authorities say all surveillance footage from the incident was “mysteriously overwritten by clips of Trump campaign ads.” Donald Trump, coincidentally photographed moments earlier admiring the artifact, has denied any involvement. “If I wanted it, I’d buy the Louvre,” he said. “But honestly, the security was weak. Like Joe Biden’s handshake.”
The former president—currently campaigning under the slogan “Make Monarchies Great Again”—claimed he was only conducting a spontaneous security audit. “It wasn’t theft,” he told reporters. “It was a stress test. The French failed. Bigly.”
Trump supporters quickly began selling replica crowns on Truth Social, complete with red velvet lining and optional gold leaf spray. Meanwhile, French officials remain baffled, especially after witnesses reported hearing someone shout “finders keepers, très légal!” in a familiar Queens accent.
Pressed about the missing jewels, Trump replied, “I wouldn’t say stolen. Let’s just say liberated. Like Normandy, but classier.”
The Louvre, in response, announced a full audit of security protocol and a temporary closure of its “Ego and Empire” exhibit, which officials fear may now be missing several mirrors.
If found, the crown may be returned to the French government—unless Trump declares it “declassified.”
People forget, I used to own a lot of castles. So technically, I was just bringing it home
