NEED TO KNOW
- Trump touts a “flawless” trade deal that increases U.S. tariffs on Chinese goods—without asking China to do the same.
- White House insists taxing ourselves more “shows strength” and is “basically profit if you think hard enough.”
- China celebrates the agreement as “the best American idea since fentanyl confusion.”
Deal of the Century: For China
A bold new agreement hailed by MAGA as “next-level genius,” President Donald Trump has announced a trade deal with China that will triple tariffs—on Americans. The deal, which doesn’t require any concessions from Beijing, was described by Trump as “reverse Uno economics” and “absolutely brutal to China, believe me.”
Trump revealed the agreement during a press event flanked by a massive chart of himself holding a container ship. “China ships in steel, electronics, fentanyl precursors, and we slap ourselves with a huge tariff. They’re laughing, but it’s scared laughter,” Trump assured reporters.
White House: “It’s Basically Patriotism with a Price Tag”
The administration’s press secretary, Kayleigh 2.0, explained the policy shift by stating, “Tariffs are a sign of strength. If we’re taxing our own people more than China taxes theirs, that means we care more.”
Economists were initially confused, but many have since pivoted to calling it “post-rational capitalism” or “economic CrossFit,” where every policy hurts but builds character.
China’s Official Response: “谢谢你!”
In a statement from China’s Ministry of Commerce, officials expressed gratitude and mild disbelief. “We are delighted the United States has chosen to punish itself. This saves us administrative paperwork and helps their inflation match our GDP growth.”
Trump dismissed concerns that the deal disproportionately benefits China. “You ever see their ports? Giant. Ours? Also giant. This is a giant deal. Tremendous self-tariffing. Beautiful even.”
