NEED TO KNOW
- Leaked text shows Cabinet panic as China profits from U.S. trade bailout
- Argentina pockets $20 billion while Beijing buys all their soybeans
- Trump calls it “creative winning” and demands new green hats for farmers
President Donald Trump’s Cabinet reportedly spiraled into panic this week after learning their $20 billion bailout for Argentina somehow gave China both cheaper soybeans and leverage in the global market. The revelation came after Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins texted Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent mid-UN meeting, “We might’ve just fed China our lunch.”
According to witnesses, Bessent stared at his phone for nearly a minute before muttering, “Wait… are we the bad deal now?” He then raised his hand to speak, only to realize he was not, in fact, in a meeting about trade, but attending a UN panel on coastal erosion.
Cabinet Panic as China Scores Another Win
Rollins reportedly sent the message after realizing that Beijing had swiftly outmaneuvered the United States by buying up Argentina’s soybeans—just days after Washington announced its massive bailout. Insiders say the discovery caused “a rare moment of self-awareness” inside the Trump administration, which quickly faded after Trump declared the situation “a 6D chess move” that “nobody else could’ve even imagined, maybe not even Einstein.”
“We gave Argentina the money, China the soybeans, and America the hats,” Trump told reporters, holding two green caps emblazoned with “Make Our Farmers Great Again.” “It’s called synergy, folks.”
Experts Question ‘Art of the Deal’ Logic
Critics across both parties expressed disbelief, noting that the move effectively subsidized China’s food security while tanking U.S. exports. “It’s like paying your rival to eat your dinner,” said one analyst. Meanwhile, a White House spokesperson insisted the deal proves Trump’s trade strategy “works on multiple dimensions,” adding, “We just haven’t found the one where it works for America yet.”
By late afternoon, sources confirmed the administration celebrated the bailout’s “success” with a photo op featuring Trump surrounded by soybeans, a tractor, and a PowerPoint titled “Mission Accomplished Again.”
At press time, Trump was reportedly exploring a new plan to sell corn to Canada by wiring them cash first.
“We’re building the world’s first circular economy, and it’s very round,” Trump said proudly.
Sometimes the best deals are the ones everyone else wins
Todd Bessent, Treasury Department
