MOSOW – Russia has announced that it has transferred all of their fast food supplies of American-based restaurants from its country to Ukraine. The move was made in an apparent bid to make Ukrainian soldiers and civilians less effective in resisting the Russian invasion.
Sources close to the Kremlin claim that Russian officials have long been aware of the powerful impact of fast food on one’s health and well-being. By forcing Ukrainians to indulge in high-calorie, high-fat foods, Russia hopes to make them sluggish and unable to resist the Russian advance.
Russian troops reportedly conducted raids on American fast food restaurants across the country, confiscating all supplies and shipping them directly into Ukraine. There, the food is being distributed to both Ukrainian civilians and soldiers, with the goal of sabotaging their will to fight.
This has sparked anger and condemnation from the United States, which has called Russia’s actions “disgraceful” and “inhumane.” Many have pointed out the irony of a country notorious for its own unhealthy cuisine seeking to weaken another through fast food.
The Ukrainian government, meanwhile, has called on its citizens to resist the temptation of American fast food and to continue to fight for their country’s sovereignty. Some Ukrainian soldiers have reportedly even gone so far as to refuse the delicious meals offered by Russian troops, showcasing the true willpower of the Ukrainians.
Despite the backlash, Russia shows no signs of stopping its fast food offensive. In fact, rumors suggest that Russian officials are now looking into ways to incorporate fast food into their own military rations, hoping to turn their own troops into lethargic, overweight obedient soldiers.
