NEED TO KNOW
Russia Condemns Use of Force, Briefly Forgets Crimea Exists
MOSCOW – In a shocking display of self-awareness-free diplomacy, Russian President Vladimir Putin urged Israel to pursue peaceful negotiations with Iran following a dramatic exchange of missile fire. The Kremlin warned against “escalation through force,” while a nearby globe quietly spun and pointed at Ukraine.
“Violence never solves anything,” Putin said, polishing a missile-shaped paperweight. “Unless, of course, it’s preemptive, misunderstood, and happens to benefit your strategic military position.”
Putin’s Two-Call Solution: Guilt Trip Both Sides
According to Kremlin officials, Putin spoke with Iranian President Masoud Pezeshkian to express sympathy and with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to express disappointment. Sources say both calls included the phrase, “Don’t make me come down there.”
Putin offered to help resolve tensions diplomatically, citing Russia’s “long and storied history of peaceful regional interventions.”
Moscow Offers Nuclear Babysitting Services
In a gesture of peace, Russia offered to remove Iran’s enriched uranium and convert it into “cozy civilian reactor fuel.” In exchange, Iran reportedly sent a thank-you note and several pallets of exploding sky lawnmowers, known locally as “drones.”
“We do not want to be dragged into this conflict,” a Russian foreign ministry spokesperson said. “We prefer to influence it from a safe, deniable distance, like a supportive but very armed uncle.”
Geopolitical Irony Reaches Peak Compression
Putin’s statements condemning force and pledging support for U.N. sovereignty caused several diplomats to spit out their espresso in unison. Kremlin media insisted this was not hypocrisy, but “multi-level chess meets performance art.”
Meanwhile, Netanyahu reportedly responded to Putin’s call with a long sigh and the phrase, “Oh, now you care about borders?”
Quote of the moment
Diplomacy is always the answer, unless your tanks are already halfway there
Vladimir Putin
