NEED TO KNOW
- A 5,000-ton North Korean destroyer was “partially crushed” during launch after sliding too early off its ramp.
- Kim Jong Un, who attended the ceremony, blamed the incident on “criminal carelessness” and “unscientific empiricism.”
- The ship is now both a military vessel and a very large paperweight.
North Korea Unveils New Warship, Accidentally Converts It Into Modern Art Installation
What began as a triumphant launch of North Korea’s latest 5,000-ton naval destroyer ended with an awkward crunch and the unmistakable sound of someone getting demoted in real time. Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un watched in horror and mild indigestion as the ship’s stern jumped the gun, sliding off its launch ramp prematurely and collapsing under its own state-funded optimism.
“The destroyer launched itself out of pure national enthusiasm,” one official explained while packing his desk into a rice sack.
A Ship of War, Now a Monument to Miscalculation
According to state media, the stern slid early due to a support flatcar that refused to do its job — much like the engineers who designed it. With no one ready and gravity uninvited, the destroyer’s hull crumpled like a diplomatic promise.
Kim Jong Un called the mishap a “serious accident and criminal act,” a phrase he previously reserved only for watching BTS videos. The Supreme Leader reportedly stormed away from the scene muttering about treason, physics, and wanting “the ocean court-martialed.”
The vessel, now half-submerged in shame and industrial-grade scrap metal, is being reassessed for alternative uses such as a submarine museum or floating punishment cell for underperforming bureaucrats.
Scientists Blamed, Then Replaced with “Revolutionary Nautical Enthusiasts”
The country’s munitions department and ship designers are facing what state media described as “serious consequences,” which in North Korean HR terms translates loosely to “you’ll wish we just fired you.”
The engineers claimed they followed all guidelines, but were apparently working off a Soviet-era instruction manual written in Morse code and sadness.
Kim Still Optimistic, Just Not About Buoyancy
Despite the wreck, Kim remains committed to bolstering North Korea’s maritime strength. Just last month, he launched another 5,000-ton warship at a different shipyard, this one miraculously uncrushed.
“We will continue our proud naval rise,” Kim stated, before allegedly asking if destroyers float better if filled with helium.North Korea’s newest warship launches early, immediately self-destructs, and achieves tactical embarrassment.
Quote of the Moment
We built a warship so powerful, it destroyed itself before the West even got the chance
Captain (now farmer) Lee Gwang-ho
