NEED TO KNOW
- Iran’s nuclear scientists, unemployed after U.S. bombings, launch a chain of artisanal coffee shops in Tehran.
- Donald Trump claims credit for sparking Iran’s “hipster coffee revolution” with his airstrikes.
- The cafes’ oat milk lattes are so addictive they accidentally broker a global peace summit.
Tehran’s Coffee Scene Goes Nuclear
In a twist no one saw coming, Iran’s nuclear scientists have traded their lab coats for aprons after former President Donald Trump’s airstrikes leveled their facilities. Now, they’re brewing artisanal coffee in Tehran’s trendiest neighborhoods, claiming their expertise in “precision uranium enrichment” makes them unmatched baristas. The result? A caffeine-fueled cultural revolution that’s got hipsters from Brooklyn to Berlin booking flights to Iran.
The chain, dubbed “Fission Brew,” boasts pour-overs so smooth they’ve been likened to a diplomatic handshake. “We used to split atoms, now we split shots of espresso,” said Dr. Hossein Farhadi, a former centrifuge specialist turned latte artist. “It’s basically the same skill set: timing, precision, and a touch of existential dread.” Their signature drink, the “Meltdown Macchiato,” comes with a foam design resembling a mushroom cloud, which Instagram influencers can’t resist.
Trump, never one to miss a branding opportunity, took credit for the phenomenon on Truth Social. “My tremendous airstrikes created JOBS in Iran’s gig economy! Their coffee’s fantastic, folks, nobody brews better than me, indirectly,” he posted. Meanwhile, Tehran’s cafes are packed with locals and tourists sipping oat milk lattes while debating geopolitics. “I used to fear airstrikes,” said customer Layla Shirazi. “Now I fear they’ll run out of decaf.”
From Fallout to Flat Whites
The pivot wasn’t easy. After their labs were reduced to rubble, the scientists faced unemployment until a viral TikTok showed Farhadi crafting a cappuccino with the finesse of a particle collider operator. Overnight, investors poured millions into Fission Brew, drawn by the novelty of “nuclear-grade coffee.” The cafes even use decommissioned centrifuge parts as espresso tampers, a nod to their radioactive roots.
Experts are baffled by the trend’s global impact. “This coffee is so good it’s defusing tensions,” said Dr. Emily Voss, a cultural anthropologist at NYU. “World leaders are scheduling peace talks just to get a table at Fission Brew.” Indeed, last week’s G20 summit reportedly stalled until Iran airlifted emergency lattes to the delegates.
A Brewed Awakening
As Fission Brew expands to London and Tokyo, critics warn the scientists’ barista skills could destabilize Starbucks’ market share. For now, though, Tehran’s coffee scene is the unlikely epicenter of global unity. “Who knew bombs could spark such a tasty revolution?” mused Shirazi, sipping her third cortado of the day. Only time will tell if this caffeinated ceasefire holds.
Quote of the moment
These lattes are so good I forgot how to enrich uranium.
Dr. Hossein Farhadi, Fission Brew Founder
