NEED TO KNOW
- Iran shuts down one-fifth of global oil flow citing “spiritual energy realignment.”
- Clerics say the Strait of Hormuz needs “a good cleansing” after being touched by Western shipping lanes.
- U.S. and global oil traders unsure whether to panic, laugh, or enroll in chakra therapy.
Strait Talk Just Got Weird
TEHRAN, IR – In a move that stunned global markets and energy analysts alike, Iran’s parliament has voted to close the Strait of Hormuz — not for military retaliation or economic leverage, but for what it’s calling “spiritual renovations.” According to Iranian clerics, the narrow shipping channel has become “energetically unstable” due to decades of oil exports, drone flyovers, and “bad Western vibes.”
“This Strait Needs Sage”
“Oil is not the only thing that flows here,” said Ayatollah Farhad Ghalib, a senior cleric with a minor in energy healing. “Negative frequencies from foreign tankers have created what we call ‘geopolitical smog.’ To restore balance, we must pause all maritime commerce and perform a full moon saltwater cleanse.” He then lit a sandalwood candle and pointed vaguely at Oman.
Economic Collapse, But Make It Zen
The decision has roiled international markets. With 20% of the world’s oil passing through the strait, traders are now hoarding both barrels and bath salts. U.S. officials privately admitted that while they “strongly condemn” the action, they are unclear whether it’s technically a blockade or a religious spa day.
“This is either the beginning of World War III or a Groupon event gone wrong,” said Pentagon spokesperson Lt. Dana Klein. “We are monitoring both outcomes equally.”
Guided Missile Meditation Coming Soon
The Iranian Revolutionary Guard has stationed speedboats along the strait, playing soothing whale sounds and detaining ships that fail to remove their shoes. Clerics have reportedly told the U.S. Navy to “center their inner conflict before entering sacred waters.”
Meanwhile, China, Japan, and India — whose oil imports are directly affected — are deciding whether to reroute tankers or send monks.
Closing for Repairs… of the Soul
Back in Washington, President Donald Trump addressed the nation while flanked by Secretary of State Marco Rubio and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. “No one loves peace more than me, but nobody hates delayed shipping more than me either,” Trump said. “We may have to bomb their energy field back into alignment.”
The Hormuz closure will reportedly remain in effect until the Supreme Council receives a “vision” or at least “two consecutive Tuesdays of inner tranquility.”
Quote of the moment
We don’t fear military retaliation, but we are deeply concerned about spiritual plaque buildup
Grand Ayatollah Amir Deliri
