NEED TO KNOW
- China rebrands its controversial exit ban as “Staycation Plus,” now with a loyalty punch card for each failed departure attempt
- President Trump praises the deal as “historic,” saying Americans can now pay a simple $9,999 tariff to leave China, or stay and enjoy Mandarin Netflix
- Commerce Department employees are encouraged to visit “in a personal capacity” but warned they may return only as holograms
President Donald Trump announced a “tremendous new deal” with China this week, praising Chinese President Xi Jinping for finally monetizing human containment. The updated agreement allows Americans trapped under China’s “exit ban” policy to leave—if they pay a $9,999 tariff labeled a “Freedom Processing Fee.”
“They didn’t want to call it an exit fee, and we didn’t want to call it kidnapping,” Trump told reporters while unveiling the bilateral agreement at a Panda Express. “But if Americans want to leave China, now they can, and they’ll stimulate the economy while doing it. Win-win.”
China’s Ministry of State Sequestration, newly rebranded as the “Department of Eternal Hospitality,” said the Staycation Plus program features optional free breakfast and an extended checkout policy that only expires when you do. U.S. officials say dozens of citizens, including a Wells Fargo banker and someone who once downloaded TikTok without a VPN, are now “guests of the nation.”
Trump also teased a new tourism slogan for U.S.-China relations: “What happens in Beijing stays in Beijing, unless it pays full price.”
Quote of the moment
If you want to leave China, all you need now is a passport, three exit forms, a notarized apology, and a credit score over 740
Wilmer Spence, Assistant Undersecretary of Cautionary Travel
