NEED TO KNOW
- House passes Trump’s sweeping tax and spending bill by one vote: 215 to 214.
- Only two Republicans voted no, zero Democrats supported it, and one guy voted “present” because apparently that’s still a thing.
- The bill includes tax cuts, tip exemptions, border crackdowns, and something called a MAGA savings account.
House Narrowly Passes Trump’s “One Big Beautiful Bill,” America Narrowly Avoids Total Legislative Go-Kart Explosion
In a historic 215-214 vote, House Republicans passed the most aggressively titled legislation in recent memory: the One Big Beautiful Bill, a sweeping package of tax cuts, spending rollbacks, and patriotic acronym deployment. The bill’s margin of victory was narrower than the gap between Mike Johnson’s reading glasses and reality.
“This is a win for the forgotten man,” declared Speaker Johnson, moments before forgetting what was in the bill. The legislation delivers on many of Trump’s campaign promises, including permanent tax cuts, eliminating taxes on tips and overtime, and allowing toddlers to open MAGA-branded savings accounts, because nothing screams fiscal conservatism like a government-seeded bank account for a three-year-old named Maverick.
Trump Takes Victory Lap in a Golf Cart, Claims Credit for Gravity
President Trump reportedly played a direct role in swaying key votes by giving what insiders described as a “90-minute, high-energy PowerPoint rant” involving tax brackets, border walls, and at one point, a hand-drawn picture of Biden asleep in a Prius.
“It was beautiful, the most convincing speech ever given,” said Rep. Chip Roy, who once called the bill fiscally reckless, then voted yes after Trump promised to name a deduction after him. “I saw a vision. A vision of freedom. And also, an 18% bump in my approval rating.”
According to sources, Trump’s main arguments included “no more tip taxes,” “overtime should be a celebration,” and “why can’t rich people also be considered victims?”
Democrats Sit This One Out, Watch from Legislative Bleachers
Not a single Democrat supported the bill, many citing concerns that it slashes Medicaid and food assistance while expanding deductions for jet ski purchases made on July 4th by white men named Tanner.
“We read the entire thing,” said one Democrat. “It’s like someone let ChatGPT rewrite the Constitution after binge-watching Fox Nation.”
Despite that, the bill steamrolled through with the help of furious midnight deal-making and what one GOP aide described as “raw Trump energy mixed with six sleeves of Fig Newtons.”
What’s In the Bill? A Nightmare for Tax Software, a Dream for Wealthy Cosplayers
Among its many provisions, the bill:
- Creates MAGA Accounts for babies (tax-sheltered savings for future barstool entrepreneurs)
- Makes tips and overtime tax-free unless you’re in the “wrong kind of service industry”
- Repeals tax credits for solar panels but adds one for “patriotic grilling aprons”
- Permanently bans the IRS from using any font larger than Times New Roman 12
While the Senate remains a hurdle, GOP leaders believe the momentum is with them, especially after Trump reportedly threatened to replace any objecting Senator with Kid Rock and a fog machine.
Quote of the Moment
I didn’t read the bill, but it sounded like America, and I like when things sound like America
Rep. Andy Oglethorpe
