NEED TO KNOW
- Trump announced a UFC championship event will take place on the White House lawn as part of America’s 250th birthday celebration.
- He invited Joe Biden to participate in a “friendly” pre-fight joust using lawn chairs and carnival weapons.
- The National Park Service reportedly “not thrilled,” especially about the fireworks-on-the-roof afterparty.
A Fight for the Nation’s Birthday
In a move that confused constitutional scholars and deeply excited shirtless men named Randy, President Trump revealed that a live UFC event will be staged on the White House lawn. Speaking at a rally, he called it “the most American thing since deep-fried cheese on a stick.”
Biden vs. Trump: Lawn Chair Edition
Trump extended a highly specific challenge to Joe Biden: a lawn chair joust before the main fight. “Nothing too rough,” Trump clarified, “just two presidents, two foldable chairs, and one sad little flag in the background.” Dana White has yet to approve the ruleset, but insiders say it involves pool noodles and competitive muttering.
“Octagon of Freedom” Under Construction
The planned octagon arena will be installed between the Rose Garden and the spot Melania once tried to have bulldozed. The design includes limited shade, VIP mulch seating, and a snack tent offering freedom fries and soft-shell bald eagle tacos (turkey-shaped, legally speaking).
Security and Sanity in Question
White House staffers are already scrambling to address logistics, including porta-potties for 20,000 guests and whether or not Mitch McConnell counts as a weapon. The Secret Service has placed several fire extinguishers around the Lincoln Bedroom, “just in case Dana White gets frisky.”
Quote of the Moment
If Biden won’t fight, I’ll settle for Hillary in a sumo suit
Donald Trump, not joking
