NEED TO KNOW
- President Trump’s Travel Ban now blocks entry from 12 new countries, all with populations coincidentally on the darker side of the Pantone chart.
- White House denies any racial motive, insists the selection process involved “a complex, skin-tone-blind dartboard.”
- Partial bans for countries where Trump “can’t pronounce the capital, but likes the food.”
Ban List Looks Suspiciously Like a Melanin Map
In a move that shocked no one who’s ever seen a Crayola box, the Trump administration announced a sweeping new travel ban. The list? A greatest hits of countries that would make a UN diversity luncheon look like the world’s most awkward high school reunion. Spokespeople assure us the ban is not about race—it’s about “safety and very tremendous security,” according to sources who may or may not have access to globes.
Partial Bans for “Places That Sound Nice”
Countries like Cuba, Laos, and Venezuela were granted the diplomatic equivalent of a “maybe” RSVP. Apparently, the president was torn—after all, he once heard of a good beach in Togo, and is reportedly fond of Cuban sandwiches. No word on whether his fondness for food counts toward foreign policy credits.
Administration Explains: “It’s Just Coincidence”
In an afternoon press briefing, the White House press secretary assured reporters the bans are “totally unrelated” to the countries’ racial makeup. “It’s all about national security,” she said, before winking so hard her contact lens fell out. When pressed, a senior aide cited “complicated algorithms” that may or may not involve Google image search.
Experts: “Are You Kidding Me?”
Civil rights organizations quickly called foul, pointing out that countries home to actual terrorists, or those with robust hotel chains, remain untouched. “It’s like picking your least favorite flavors of Neapolitan ice cream and pretending it’s about calories,” said one baffled observer.
Meanwhile, in Florida
At Miami International Airport, a group of travelers held up signs reading “Welcome to America (Terms and Conditions Apply).” An elderly man wearing a “Make America Grate Again” hat asked if Canada would be next. “They play their music too loud,” he added.
Quote of the Moment
We evaluated every country objectively after squinting at their flags through sunglasses.
White House Official
