NEED TO KNOW
- Qatar gifted Trump a used Boeing jet “with zero strings,” just don’t ask why it smells like rose water and oil profits
- Retrofitting costs are classified, but insiders say it’s “definitely under $400 million if you say it fast enough”
- New plane upgrades include gold bidet, Missile-To-Table™ service, and optional Mar-a-Lago autopilot mode
In a stunning act of generosity that definitely wasn’t a bribe, Qatar has “unconditionally” donated a Boeing jet to the Trump administration. President Trump praised the gift as “the greatest free thing since Melania,” and immediately renamed the aircraft “Air Force Q.”
“Qatar just loves me,” Trump said, standing on the jet’s staircase as Elton John blared. “They said, ‘Sir, you are so beautiful and powerful, please take our plane so you can fly over the Deep State with extra legroom.’”
Though the Defense Department insists the gift has “no strings attached,” critics have questioned why the plane’s minibar includes a golden loyalty card for the Doha Ritz-Carlton and why the cockpit features a button labeled “Direct Call to Jared.”
The Pentagon will fund the retrofit using money shaved off the overbudget Sentinel nuclear missile program. “It’s just reallocating priorities,” said Air Force Secretary Troy Meink. “Do you want national security or do you want the Commander-in-Chief to have a seat warmer that spells out ‘TRUMP’ in Morse code?”
Trump has already requested the aircraft be outfitted with a tanning bed, Fox News-only channel lock, and emergency cheeseburger chute.
“I know a good deal when I see one,” Trump added. “And this one only costs taxpayers $399 million and a little dignity.”
Quote of the moment
It honks when it lands, but in Arabic
Lt. Col. Brad Vexley, Secret Service Air Support
